6th October 2023

Journaling.

Dr says it helps. 

It helps organizing the messy minds and help focusing on i dont know what to focus. HAHA

Today sucks. Hurtful like shit. Disappointed. Devastated, with a person named "H" ( Read : How on earth the person assigned by Allah swt to protect you is the one who goes physical with you?)

UNACCEPTABLE. 

Today is the longest period of crying in my life. Every seconds of myself imagining it, crushed my heart to its core. 

A part of me wanting to end this life, a part of me wanna kill someone, a part of me just want to reverse the whole thing and do things better. a part of me just want to undo, even on the first met.

We start as friends, we build trust , bond and connections. and it turns out to be love , and marriage takes place. 

There are a lot of consideration done in between to sustain, considering different styles of raising, and life experiences. 

There are a lot of traumas included. Heartbreaks.

I wonder, why did we even get married to each other?

Why did him insist to marry me, when he knew he would lie, cheat, hide things and etc?

Why fall in this trap. 

We couldve just be friends with benefit.

We couldve just have fun.

But despite all the couldve and shouldve, weve married to each other 20 months ago. 

Kecewa dan benci, kerana sayang yang tinggi melukai dengan sangat dalam nya.

Im fucking hate myself for this.

Fucking hate the fact that i can run away from this, now. and for another 24 f month.

Day 1 Journali.g - FU Zara. F your life.