23rd July 2018 - Feels like...?

how does it feels like when you lost everything but faith?

how does it feels when you have nothing to hold on but there a tiny line saying that you should stay and not giving up?

i dont know how it feels. All i know is Allah has a better plan than I do. Hard to admit that you're losing and plan goes haywire, but who can beat the Almighty? None.

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Actually this is not the normal time for me to write and type and pour the thoughts of life. This is a better hour to sleep and cherished myself as a mother, or even better, to rest and watch movie, or cuddling with my one and only sperm producer.

But, I suddenly feels like giving a short story on what happened on this day.

Today marks the first time in history of my marriage, yang setahun jagung dan masih meniti nasib kehidupan. Wanna know what happened?Arrian fell in the toilet. *Cry*

I shall take it as our mistake as a parent. 1. for totally believe that the tub will stand strong on the toilet bowl, 2. for having 300% trust to the father to bathe arrian alone while me doing some face painting for syasya's wedding today 3. for failing to foresee and predict the risk, and change the routine 4. for hurting this little baby when he cant do anything to protect himself.

Totally. The parent's mistake.

Huge lesson learned! learned, people. Save the hatred and critics. We are still learning to be a good parents. Arrian shall be our first baby, and teacher.

Alhamdulillah he is fine, no puking or signs of concussion, despite me being a super sensitive mom, yeah i cried so bad, after taking him from the father while he was still crying. Wanted to go to the clinic, but i didnt, because there's no signs of serious injury. (save your comments on what you think should be done, cause im not asking)

So, the point is this, shit happens. No matter how careful you are, how you think you've planned things ahead, minimizing the risk, and there is no assurance that none of the unwanted's wont happened. Why? Kun Fa Yakun. 

oh ya, what was my immediate response and thoughts?

1. Cry - Yes, i cried. so hard. as hard as i want. Its my baby for god sake. I can still remember the pain in delivering him and how can i be "ok"when my baby fell on the floor, choked and in pain.

2. Stop the blaming game (yeah i was mad and wanted to blame my husband for being in charge during the accident), but thinking of it back, there's no one on earth with a sound mind and heart could hurt their own child, so skipped the blaming game. 

3. Calm down and soothe the baby. All i had in mind was "im sorry sayang, your father didnt mean it, he doesnt have the intention to hurt you" , where how it works was actually to soothe myself and to avoid all the evil devil whisperers.

12 hours has passed, and the image of him lying on the toilet floor is still fresh in my mind. Pity my baby. I wish i could listen to his pains and suffering.

Sorry baby. We didn't mean to hurt you.

12:56 am, 23rd July 2018. 

A day to remember.